Have you dealt with your past?

“She is cracked, lost in her own dream land” I hear them say. I have never expected people to understand, they revel in gossip. I pretend not to listen and concentrate on the screen of my laptop.

Sometimes, I wish I can pluck out the sadness, which creeps like the cold through my warm blanket. Last night, I dreamt of the ghost, the questions seared in my blood, craving for retribution.

Once, my best friend asked “Why do her memories crush every bit of my will to live?”

I replied solemnly “You are yet to face your past, may be in time, you will learn to cope.”

He agreed signalling the end of our conversation.

Then, later as I lay awake, a doubt crept through my musings

“Have I dealt with my own?”

The Cry of the Delhi Rape Victim

I still remember mom when once you and dad asked me what I need to do in my life I replied you I will reduce the pain of other’s people and I became a physiotherapist so that I can try my level best to reduce the pain of others. But today I am not able to resist my own pain. Doctors are slashing my body parts for the fifth time like they were never the parts of my body…it is paining a lot mom I am not able to breathe properly and they attached me with oxygen cap please tell the doctors not to give me the anaesthesia mom I am scared I don’t want to close my eyes. If I close my eyes it takes me to that scary phase of my life where I was being cut into pieces I was just a bunch of flesh which was being continuously chopped by those animals. Those faces were very scary mom they were like those hungry animals who were biting at every parts of my body. I don’t have courage to look myself in the mirror. Mom please break all the mirrors nearby me please take me to bath I want to bath I want to sit under the shower for years mom so that I can wash those inhuman touch which had made me to hate my own body I tried to go towards bathroom but my stomach pain didn't allow me to move myself. I can’t raise my head to see you standing outside through door glass. When someone enter in my room I feel very scared mom my heartbeats gets faster my eyes searches for you please be around me. I don’t want to be alone mom these medical instruments beeps are haunting in my brain they sound like those unhelping traffic sounds which muted my cry and pleads which I was doing that time mom. The silence of this room is remembering me that silence when I was thrown on deserted road I don’t know what happened but I was feeling very much cold in the same way like a person shivering with very high temperature. Mom do you remember once when dad slapped me in childhood how much you fought with him until dad didn't brought my favourite chocolate…where is dad mom I can’t see him...is he okay mom ??? Please don’t let him cry mom. Do you remember once how dad got angry on you when you used to shout on me only for anything but they have beaten me and my dearest friend with some metal it was paining a lot mom I saw how he was bleeding to save me but they were coward rascals they kept on beating him together till he didn't collapsed and then they scratched every parts of my body repeatedly mom. You always taught me to fight with the difficult situations but I am very weak in this situation please hold my hand I want to sleep please put my head in your lap please wash my body give me some pain killer my stomach is paining please tell doctor not to cut more parts of my body its paining a lot. I am sorry mom I can’t fight more……

-The Cry of the Delhi Rape Victim

Few days back, in Delhi, the capital city of India, a 23 year old girl was raped by a gang of four guys who not only assaulted her but put a huge rod inside her vagina. The girl is currently fighting for her life and suffering from septicaemia. Her large and small intestines are permanently damaged.

When I heard this story in the television, it was dinner time. Later I tried eating but nothing went inside. There was a fire, in my inner most cavern, it was one of those red hot feeling, which craved vengeance.

I have grown up among gods and goddesses. Since breathing, we are told about the goddesses who are worshiped, feared and revered. That day, sitting on my father’s room, with the television showcasing the story of the rape victim, broke something inside me, for the first time I lost hope, I lost hope in humanity.

Where is the humanity? How can the people who worship Goddess Durga, Goddess Kali do this level of torture on an innocent girl? Are we girls born to be used? Why are we seen as pleasure tools? Has our worth come to this?

If somebody looks at us with lust, society blames our clothes, our intentions. What people fail to realise is that we are human beings! We have the right to dream, to see and to speak.

Until now, I have never felt black disgust for my country. A country, which is one of the hubs of religion, lacks the power to protect we woman. A country, which treats women as commodities, as tools of sexual pleasure, who should be used, battered and then left to rot naked on the street, does not deserve to be called a developing nation.

Where are our rights? When can we confidently say that we are free? After almost 60 years of Independence, we girls are still subjugated, we girls are still dominated.

Where is justice India?

The End of Humanity

P.S- Pictures are not taken by me. They are random collection from the net. If you own any of the pictures and want me to remove it. Drop in a comment or feel free to mail me.

In her depth, I found peace....

I have always felt the happiest, among my plants, in my terrace. It is one of those places, where I can finally be myself, with no one to order, no one to disturb, just me and my thoughts. I till the soil, mix the manure, trim the plants. It is a welcome pain, It makes me feel alive and close to Nature, who accepted me without my explanations.

During my youthful days, in one of those idyllic afternoons, I fell in love, with my grandmother’s garden. I looked around thunderstruck with appreciation for nature and her abundance. It was instantaneous and lasting. Later, I remember telling my grandmother “Dida, Please leave the garden to me as a part of your legacy.”

She agreed.

In my childhood exuberance, I forgot, things don’t last forever, no matter how much we want them to. Soon came a day, when I did the hardest thing, I bid adieu to the place, where I have felt the happiest. Time and again, my mind wonders to that distant garden, the images blurred due to age and questions like “who inhibits that place now? Who enjoys the same day to day thrill that I have once felt?” creates a momentary riot in my head.

Raindrops after Long months of Droughts!

There is an uncanny unpredictability about life. When things start to look the darkest, something wonderful happens to brighten it up. Just now, I finished my one hour long conversation with my best friend. There is this thing about him, he always tells me things, I don’t want to hear. I hate hearing the truth from him and it eventually ends in a fight. Sometimes, it irritates me, sometimes it makes me happy, I feel alive.

We talked about everything to everything. It’s strange how we have bonded in all these years. Eerily, he knows everything, even when I keep quiet and pretend to listen. Often, I wondered whether he truly knew. But then during my darkest times, he saying, in his deep quiet voice, "I Understand!", feels like the raindrops after long months of droughts.

The First Rays of Peace

Some ghost and memories, they never leave. They are there every day, every hour, every minute. I finally brought myself to face them, my inner demons. I have had enough: the insomnia and paranoia were slowly eating bits and pieces of my being.

I did what I had to, I faced the problem. The next moment, I felt a lightening in the deepest corner of my heart, as if a huge weight has been removed. The day looked brighter and then entered, after the long stormy months, the first rays of peace.

Burnt...in love!

The pain is still there, a steady reminder of him, once in my life. Day before yesterday, I cried, till there were no more tears left. A part of me wants to go back, relive those happy days, whereas the other part wants to move on.

I called my friend, I knew he will understand. I wanted someone to be there, someone who will read through my silence. He told me I am confused, that I should go back. I gave a teary laugh and informed I am over with it, but my heart beat a different tune.

The images, like a ghost, never stop haunting, the endless hours on the phone, the lazy walks down our favourite road, the incessant plans for us, for our future. It was never enough, the more we talked, the hungrier we got.

Suddenly, one fine morning, the reverie was broken. I felt lost, alone with no one to talk to, no one to share my pain with. Who will understand what I felt for him? It’s all there in my heart, locked, in some quiet place.

The World needs more Love Letters!

It’s easy to proclaim declarations: “I hate you” “Life is cruel” “How can life be so cruel?” “Why am I the unfortunate one?”

It’s easy to give all the above dramatic declarations but hard to take time and contemplate on them. Think for some time! When life gives us the best of things, we never for once think, Life is Cruel! During those happy moments, Life becomes our best buddy! But, the next day, if something bad happens, we curse Life. 

Whereas we know that failures and triumphs are the two sides of the same coin.

All the above  hurtful declarations, the anger, the wrath, which we feel, because of a stupid fight, an unexpected failure, all boils down to our Ego, the destroyer, the taker, the arrogant fool.

There are two sides to our personality, one side ruled by our conscience and the other ruled by our ego. Whenever, there is a fight or a failure, the Ego always feels defeated and craves vengeance. During a misfortune, it’s not we who get hurt but our Ego, the sadistic dog, which then propels us to do silly histrionics. The wars that are raging all over the world, the fight for a piece of land, for power, for money, it’s all because of our ego. Because he has taken my land, I have to get it back, by all means. Oh my god, he scored more than me, I have to defeat him in the next test. You hit me, man! I am going to hit you too! Recognize this! Well! These stupid ramblings are Ego talking.

All that world craves now is money and power: One country fights another for a piece of land, a son leaves his parents in an old age home to live his own dream, the abnormal increase in the number of divorce cases, the unnecessary estrangements. These are all indications, signs of the unfulfilled life we all are living, a life devoid of love, friendship and warmth. When once the companionship of a friend was important, now Ego has taken preference.

There are so many existing problems in this world. Do we really want to add some more? I know forgiving is one of the hardest things but it’s also one of the easiest thing. It’s all about the courage, it’s all about the love that we had for those people who broke our heart. The truth is we still love them. The hatred that we feel is the living evidence.

We all have love in our heart, then why aren’t we making an effort to show that. Why do we always have to fight, to struggle for things that are there today but may not be there tomorrow? We hardly pay attention to the things that we have, the beautiful relationships, nature, we as an individual. It’s time to love, to build and to make time for the things that matters. Some things will remain with us forever, the love we have for each other, the lasting relationship we have been gifted. These things were our past, these things are our present, these things will be our future.

It’s very easy to hate, to feel anger. I had my share of experience. But it takes courage, real courage to forgive and to move on. And I think it’s worth fighting! Otherwise, it will be an insult to all those wonderful memories we had with those people.

Bhetki Macher Paturi Recipe

Bhetki Macher Paturi or Sea Bass cooked in mustard paste

It has been quite some time since I made a Bengali dish. Both I and my brother were bored with the chicken dishes I usually made. I have never experimented with fish. Frankly, I suck at fish recipes. I am scared as in how to cook the fish pieces perfectly? But this time, to hell with fear! I was determined to master it. 

I sat in front of my laptop for two full days, I did some research. How long the fish should be baked? What marinade to use? How to know whether the fish is rightly cooked?

It was hard. But, nothing is that hard if we do it with a smile and with the right purpose. Right!?

My “Fish Adventure” started with this beautiful, tiring, aromatic dish. Bhetki Macher Paturi or Sea Bass (in English) is a Bengali dish made by marinating the Bhetki fillets in Mustard paste. Mustard is the dominant flavour of this dish. Though the process is a bit tiring, first the marinade, then the wrapping (took around 45 minutes), lastly the baking, the end result is simply amazing. My family loved it. I couldn't be any less prouder. My efforts did pay off!! *Awesome me* LOL JJJJ

~~The Recipe~~

Ingredients:

10 Bhetki fillets

6 tbsp Mustard (yellow) Paste
1.5 tsp Garlic paste
1 tsp Ginger paste
3 tbsp Coconut (grated)

4 tbsp Mustard oil

6 Green Chillies paste (as per preference)

2 tbsp Onion Paste

1 tsp Turmeric Powder
1 tsp Lemon Juice

Banana leaves or plaintiff leaves (as per required)

Salt to taste

Procedure:

1) Soak the mustard seeds in water for about 15 minutes. Drain the water. Add some salt to the mustard seeds and grind to a fine paste.

2) Now, mix the mustard paste, half the mustard oil, the green chilli paste, the onion paste, the ginger paste, the garlic paste, turmeric powder, coconut paste, lemon juice and salt. Make a fine smooth paste.

3) Thoroughly, rub the mustard paste all over the fish fillets. Keep aside the marinated fish for about an hour or more.

4) Meanwhile, heat water in a huge bowl. For few seconds, soak the banana leaves in the hot water. This is to ensure that the leaf does not break while wrapping the fish fillets.

5) After about an hour or more, place the marinated fish fillet on a banana leaf and fold the leaf properly into an envelope or a packet. Tie the packet with a thread. Repeat the same procedure for the other fillets.

6) Take a kadhai and grease it with some mustard oil and place one or two large banana leaves over it so as to cover the base of the kadhai. Place all the fish packets side by side on the banana leaves. Drizzle some mustard oil over the fish packets. Cover the kadhai with a tight lid (to avoid the passage of steam) and cook for 10 minutes each on both sides.

Garnish with Green chillies and serve hot with steamed white rice.

Hyderabadi Fish Curry (Fish Korma) Recipe

Hyderabadi cuisine is greatly influenced by the Nizams of Hyderabad. The cuisine is famous for its eclectic combination of spices, which are carefully chosen and cooked to the right degree and time. 

For this dish, I used Rohu. If Rohu is not available, then you can use any firm fleshed fish. This dish is extremely flavorful and aromatic because of the wide array of spices used. An ideal dish for a party.

~The Recipe~

For the gravy:
500 grams Rohu, washed and cut into medium sized pieces

1 cup yogurt

1.5 tsp saffron, crushed and soaked in water

4 tbsp hot milk

1 cup hot water

white oil or ghee

Finely chopped coriander

Two boiled eggs

Grind to paste:

2 dry red chillies

2 onions finely chopped

1 tbsp ginger paste

1 tbsp garlic paste

2 tsp pepper powder

2.5 tsp coriander powder

2 tsp poppy seeds

1 tsp cumin seeds

1.5 tsp turmeric powder

1 tsp Garam masala (Hot spice mix)

2 tbsp Cashew (chopped)

1 tbsp lemon juice

Procedure:
1) Rub the washed fish pieces with some salt, some turmeric powder and little lemon juice. Keep aside for 10 minutes. Take a heavy bottomed pan, heat oil or ghee on it. Gently fry the fish pieces until they are light golden brown in color. Remove the fish pieces from the oil and soak them dry on tissue papers.

      2) Heat some oil or ghee in the pan and fry the ground paste on medium heat till it is brown in color or till you get a pleasant aroma. Now, slowly add the yogurt while stirring the ground paste on low heat. Keep stirring till the oil comes out of the mixture. Add some hot water and bring to boil. After around 5 to 7 minutes, add some salt and sugar to taste. Then add the fish pieces. Stir gently. Cover and cook on low heat for 10 minutes or till the fish is done.

3) Take a bowl and make a fine paste of the boiled egg yolk (optional). After 10 minutes, add the egg yolk paste, the saffron milk over the curry and stir gently. Sprinkle some fresh coriander over the curry and cover and cook on low heat for 3 to 5 minutes. 

Garnish with fresh coriander and egg white.

Serve hot with steamed rice or Indian roti.

Notes:
1) Instead of Cashews, you can use Almonds. Before grinding the cashews or the almonds, soak them in water for 30 minutes.

2) Soak the poppy seeds in water before grinding.

P.S:- Dear readers, this recipe is worth a try. Please leave you thoughtful comments. Thank You!

Estranged!

The loneliness persists and slowly eats away my determination to live peacefully. Sometimes, the pain can be avoided by doing the easiest things. But then, taking the easiest step needs courage, which presently, I am lacking. 

I have stopped talking to her. It hurts, it feels as if a part, a vital part is missing, but I welcome the pain. The pain is the reality and I am not afraid to face it. But confrontation I hate and I am dreading the outcome.

I don’t know what came in between us, why I am angry with her, why I have started hating her. I don’t want that. I never would. She is the dose I crave, I desire and I hunger for. Without her I am incomplete.

Then why, when I picked up my cell to call her, I could not? I dialed her number only to erase it and bask in my loneliness.

Sparks...!

Few weeks back, I had a huge fight with my Mama (Uncle). He openly insulted me and I did not think twice before hitting him back with my bitter words. Since then, we don’t talk.

In my post Give me a break!, I mentioned about my grandmother’s opinions about me. But I did not mention the reasons for her disappointments. She wants me to apologise to my uncle. In her words “Your uncle has done so much for you all! Is this how you pay him back?”

I clearly remember his words, they were like a knife cutting against my skin, the scars not only deep but permanent.

I don’t know whether I can ever forgive him. In time, even if I do, I won’t be able to trust him, my conscience will never allow.

How can she? When all she wanted him to do is support her, to see her through her eyes, he deliberately ignored her and made her feel small and crazy.

Durga Puja 2012 (Part 3)

The two things I love about Kolkata are her vibrancy and her diversity of culture. To me, there is no other festival, in which year after year, artists experiment and play with their imagination to come up with unique themes.

I don't exactly remember the day when I fell in love with pandal hopping, could be during the happy days between my adolescence and adulthood. This year, it was extra special because of my blog. I wanted my visitors to get a glimpse of the place where I grew up, where I learnt to dream.
These pictures are for you, my darling readers! Enjoy!

Telenga Bagan
Theme: Usage of 25 tons of Iron to capture the rich artistic heritage of Kolkata
The images of Goddess Durga, Saraswati, Lakhsmi and God Ganesh, kartik
were sculpted on metal plates

Maa Durga

Lord Ganesh and Devi Saraswati

Devi Saraswati And Lord Kartik

The following textures are taken from scripts from the puranas

The confluence of the feminine (calm)
and the masculine (ferocious)

Dumdum Prabhat Sangha
Theme: Beach 

Pillar made with coloured coke bottle caps

Dumdum Park
Theme: The amalgamation of all the colors

Devi Durga

Her Children

Ekdalia
Famous for: The huge light hanging which is brought 
every year from Rajasthan

Hindusthan Park
Theme: After the journey through the hell comes the
light, the illumination.

Maa Durga's Third Eye (Tri Nayan)

If looked carefully, the four colored Tri Nayans, depict
the various moods of Devi Durga

Maa with her Children

Jodhpur Park, 95 Pally
Theme: Devi Durga is in the books (knowledge)
The more knowledge we gain, the more stronger we 
become to fight the evil and eradicating
it from the society.

Maa Durga

Maa Durga with her children

P.S: For more pictures, visit the following links:
Kolkata at her best (part 3)
Kolkata at her Best (part 2)