I ran today. After three years of telling people that I have
forgotten to run, of fearing whether I will ever run again, of feeling like a handicapped.
I ran.
When my trainer asked me to run, I gave him an odd look. I told him I have forgotten to run. There it was, the fear, the fucking fear that always has a hold over me. But today, I said Fuck You Fear. I want to run without you following me everywhere. At first, I ran slowly, then as I gained speed, a beautiful feeling, something close to paradise got hold over me. I felt free! I felt liberated! I felt on top of the world! No pain in my leg, No thinking that I can’t run ever, No thinking of me as a handicapped. At that moment all that mattered was me running For The First Time In Three Years!
When I was lying bed ridden in my hospital, I drove my mom crazy saying “Maa, I want to walk! Maa, I want to walk!” When I started to walk in slow steps, holding a stick for support in my hand, I told my mother “Maa, I want to walk, walk and walk. I want to see the world without holding a stupid stick in my hand. I want to walk without feeling the never ending pain in my leg. I want to walk as normal people without having anything to worry about.” When I walked the first time without the stick in my hand, I told my mother “Maa, I will not feel normal until I run. I have to run. Running is me, a part of who I am. Until I run, I will never feel free.”
And today for the first time in three years, I was.
