~Mayo-Corn Sandwich~

This is our legendary Mayo Corn Sandwich. Legendary..Why? There is a loooong story behind it.

Every four years, our school conducts a fest called the “Spectrum”. Each and every student of our school has to participate. We are taken to the fields and given training for six to seven months. After every practice, we are provided with food packets containing pastas, fruits, pizzas, cookies, cakes and this “Mayo-Corn” sandwich. I remember trading my cookies for this sandwich. I love  love loved it! And everyone around me loved it too. It was really hard to find a trading partner. L

The Spectrum was undoubtedly the best part of our school life. There used to be less number of classes and more amount of fun. Reminiscing about it now makes me want to go back to school so damn much.

Well, getting back to this mayo corn sandwich.

For days I have been thinking of making this. Mayo and corn are too of my favorite things in the world. One day, I finally did. The moment I posted a picture of my version of the Mayo-Corn sandwich in Facebook, it became a hit. I decided then and there to give it in my blog. So here it is-

The Recipe-

4-5 tbsp Mayonnaise

½ tsp freshly ground Black Pepper

½ cup Sweet Corn

4 slices of Fresh Brown Bread

1 tbsp Butter or Margarine

The Procedure-
First is preparing the Corn-

Boil the corn until they are golden in color. Heat some butter or margarine on a wok, and fry the boiled corn for five to seven minutes.

Second is to make the Mayo Corn mixture-

Take a medium sized bowl and put about 4 to 5 tablespoon of Mayonnaise on it. Add the ½ teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper and the prepared golden fried corn (step one). Now mix everything together. And keep it aside.

Third is toasting the bread slices-

Heat a tava and place the bread one by one on it. Toast both sides of each slices of bread until they are brown in color.

Fourth is assembling the second and the third step-

Take a toasted slice of bread (step three) and put the mayo-corn mixture (step two) on it and cover it with another slice of toasted bread.

"Mayo Corn Sandwich"

The Mayo Corn Sandwich is ready now! And it is deliciously awesomely yummy!J

In Night's Presence...

Last night was so beautiful that sleep was eluding me! I was lying down on my bed, which was half drowned in moon’s shimmering light, and tried with everything in me to sleep, to mute the loud voices inside my head.  There was something about Night’s presence, that every time I sought her, she surrounded me, she made me feel safe! Her quietness, Her shadows, Her lone silent songs did havoc on my senses.

After hours of trying to sleep and in vain, I got out of my bed and walked towards my window and just stood there, staring into nothingness. I stood there and thought about all the things that was bothering me, the never ending fears, the endless insecurities, the silent cries of my heart.

Then in a snap, just like that I forgot, I forgot that I am being chased by my demons, the past that never seems to let go of me. It was then that I felt her presence, Night’s presence. Her moon shinning brightly in the sky, the black shroud that she has cast over everything surrounding me, the stillness of her beauty and her presence everything. Suddenly, I did not feel alone. I felt accepted, I felt Night hugging me tight and whispering that I am not alone, that Night herself is with me. Right there, in that moment, I felt the voices inside my head subside and I let myself be free!

"Not an Ideal Daughter, Not an Ideal Sister, Not an Ideal Friend"

I am not an ideal daughter, not an ideal sister, not an ideal friend. I am a selfish bitch! PERIOD! I try beyond everything to fix this part of me, but in vain. It’s not that I don’t love my parents or my brother or my friends. I love each one of them, with every part of me!
The thing is that I have been hurt so many times in the past that I don’t have it in me to believe anyone any more again. Every time, every fucking time I dared to trust someone, that person broke my trust, abandoned me, treated me like I did not mean anything. Over the years, I buried all the hurt, the humiliation, the pain. When they over flew, I buried them again. Until the point, I could not do it anymore!

I want to love them, my parents, my brother, my friends. I tell myself “I will be okay! I am having a bad Baaaaad day! I have people who love me, treat me like I matter! I am going to be okay!” For a moment I actually believe I am going to be okay. Then in the next moment, all the ghosts from my past come back. They choke me, they suffocate me, until I feel like a prisoner in my own room.

That’s when I give up. That’s when I know that no matter how many times I try, things will never get back to what they were before. That’s when I start ignoring the people I love. That’s when I throw them away and treat them like they mean nothing to me. That’s when I push them away, far away from me, until they leave me in my place of hell, all alone!

"Cafe Mocha"

I was in the auto with my best friend! I was like "PD bari cho taratari; Cafe mocha khawabo!" meaning "PD lets get back home quickly; I am gonna make Cafe Mocha!" He was like "Seriously! What is it with you and cafe mocha?" I did not know, so I kept quiet!
For the past two days, I am not doing well! My laptop broke down; I know to others it's just a laptop and you can easily replace it with another one! But that lappy is my life! My everything! It hurts like a bitch to see it broken! But after self pitying over my bad luck for two days, you reach the limit of boredom. So, in order to cheer me up, I made myself a cup of cafe mocha (coffee with two spoons of cocoa powder). While making it, I thought about what my best friend asked me the other day! Why...!? Why am I obssessed with this drink!? Then I realized that this baby is my comfort drink which I make every time I am down! A drink just for me! And I have made this drink for the two people I love the most in this world, my brother and my best friend!

Today....I Ran!

I ran today. After three years of telling people that I have forgotten to run, of fearing whether I will ever run again, of feeling like a handicapped. I ran.

When my trainer asked me to run, I gave him an odd look. I told him I have forgotten to run. There it was, the fear, the fucking fear that always has a hold over me. But today, I said Fuck You Fear. I want to run without you following me everywhere. At first, I ran slowly, then as I gained speed, a beautiful feeling, something close to paradise got hold over me. I felt free! I felt liberated! I felt on top of the world! No pain in my leg, No thinking that I can’t run ever, No thinking of me as a handicapped. At that moment all that mattered was me running For The First Time In Three Years!

When I was lying bed ridden in my hospital, I drove my mom crazy saying “Maa, I want to walk! Maa, I want to walk!” When I started to walk in slow steps, holding a stick for support in my hand, I told my mother “Maa, I want to walk, walk and walk. I want to see the world without holding a stupid stick in my hand. I want to walk without feeling the never ending pain in my leg. I want to walk as normal people without having anything to worry about.” When I walked the first time without the stick in my hand, I told my mother “Maa, I will not feel normal until I run. I have to run. Running is me, a part of who I am. Until I run, I will never feel free.”

And today for the first time in three years, I was.

What happens in the end...!?

Last Monday, I asked my mother “Hey mom, just before we die, what is the one thing that stays with us?”

Mom gave me a blank look and went back to her work, probably thinking I was having another of my regular philosophical musings. This was no slight wandering of my mind! This thought came to me Sunday night while I was on Facebook. I came across a picture, where I saw a man lying on his death bed with his entire family around him. There were also some beautiful lines written below it. I don’t exactly remember the lines but the thoughts revolved around

Who cares how many degrees we have! How much money we earn or how many palaces we build! In the end we all die alone, taking with us the memories of the relations that we have made throughout our life.

When all else fails, there's still family......

As a participant of this crazy human race, I too have certain high dreams and aspirations. I won’t say that in twenty years of grazing through life I have got whatever I wished for. If I sit down to think about the dreams I did not achieve then I will have no other option than breaking down. But when I actually look at the things I have, I feel full. I have a big awesome family, comprising of my total sweet heart father, totally chaotic mother, not too grown up brother, and a bunch of silly, never boring friends.

It’s true when they say, “We come to this world alone, We work alone, We live alone, We depart alone”. But wouldn’t this life be too boring, too colorless without these stupid stupid relationships?

Few days back, I was out of town for about three days. I was on the phone with my father, when he enquired “When are you getting back!? It’s been ages since I last saw you!” Then after returning, when I opened my Facebook wall, I see a post “Heyya sis, Call me” (this one was from my brother after about six hours of leaving home). And then you have your friends! I seriously have no idea what I would have done without them! They are always there. When you don’t want to talk, they have to talk, bug and irritate until you come out clean. When you want to talk, they are too bust with assignments, work to even do so. God! They drive me mad! Their never ending demands, their never ending parenting, the horrible fights, the gossips. God! Is there any moment when you guys are not there?

May be! Life is not about big things but about these small and big, significant and insignificant moments. Later when you sum them up, they grow into something gigantic, something much more precious, something much more powerful, something worth fighting for, they all grow into a one big “family”.

Inferno!

I know quitting is a sign of weakness! I know quitting is a sign of cowardice! But what should one do when quitting is the only path to redemption.

I am a victim of claustrophobia, the intense feelings of having the walls around my room close on to me and leave me nothing but suffocated, of having trouble breathing and desperately wanting to run away to someplace new, someplace devoid of past memories. It’s not that I have not tried, but each time this desperation, this suffocation follows me.

I am not happy, not because I am not loved, not because I don’t have the things necessary to live, simply because I don’t know what I want. I crave things which I know is not right for me, I want those who will never stand by me. I want to belong, to be part of something, to bring together the missing pieces of my life.

For the first time I am restraining, not because it makes me feel safe, but because I know it’s the right thing to do. May be this hopelessness, this desperation is because of fighting my battle alone, of finding no one to turn to! May be this is life’s test to make me stronger, more harder! Or maybe this is another passing chapter in the never ending flow of life!

"I Miss My Best Friend!"

“I miss my best friend!” he said, in his old selfish voice.

I had a strong urge to ask, “Your best friend…!? Who exactly….!? Are you talking about the one whom you left behind when the urge to save yourself became more important than mine?”

That should have been my reaction but at that moment, I honestly felt nothing. After months and years of hating him, of trying to forget him, of plucking out all his ingrained memories, I am tired, I am terribly tired!

For years, I have tried to define our relationship and for the first time I have my answer. Earlier, during the peaceful days, the revelation should have brought me comfort but all it does now is bring back feelings of stinking revulsion.

Because between him, my past and my future lie that day, the day, when he proved that I was nothing more than a leaf fallen under a maple tree, in the pregnant months of autumn.

A Letter To My "Cute as Button" Brother......

To the shining light of my life,

I always wanted to write this letter, "our letter", to tell you how beautifully you entered my world and made it bright. You were the light to my darkness, you were the ray of hope at the end of my long dark tunnel.

The first time I saw you, was when father took me to the hospital, one fine day, the day you came into this world. A white cloth was wrapped around your body. You were the tiniest, the cutest thing that I have ever seen and you had just peed on the sheet (don’t kill me for mentioning it). I fell in love, sweety, I was totally lost. That moment will forever be etched in my mind because that day I found the other half of myself, my partner in crime, my life's greatest joy, my brother.

You were the sweetest thing I ever saw. You came to me for almost everything, at times to the point of me going nuts. Once, I remember being so angry at you that I left you behind and brought your friend a toffee. You, like the poor kid, who was left behind, followed me and got hit by a cycle. You broke your collar bone. I was terrified that I did that to you. I was too small to understand that I was selfish, that I should have accompanied you rather than leave you behind. It was not one of my proudest moments. I was too small to understand what you were to me, to understand that I should have taken greater care of you. I was too small.

When the people who loves you, who can do anything for you, who will love you unconditionally not caring the evil that you hoard inside is beside you, you seldom give a shit. You do not understand their importance, you push them away, you play with them, until they are too far away from you to get hold off.

I understand your importance, your absence the most when I found myself in the hospital. That moment I wanted to ensure everything was normal even when my whole world was anything but normal. I was lying there on that lone hospital bed alone, my partner in crime missing. I wanted you beside me, just like I spent 16 years of my life, sleeping beside each other, talking about the most silliest of stuffs, talking about some guy in my life, some girl in your life, talking...speculating about the ending of some book,some movie, some game that intrigued us. That was our life hon. The whole day, spent apart in school, or somewhere but at night together sharing tit-bits of our daily mundane life. That was being normal to me. Not me lying, helplessly on that stupid fucking hospital bed.

I saw you retreat into yourself, you created a world inside yourself, where you stored your each feeling, your each thought, your everything. And for the first time, I was not part of that world. I wanted to reach out so badly, because seeing you like that took the life out of me. I felt desperate hon. I felt wrung out from inside. It felt as if there is a gulf, never ending gulf between us. And I was responsible.

Somehow, we have learned to live, to be a part of each other's life but I still feel that emptiness inside me, the place that was yours, that you left but never reclaimed. I hope hon with all my heart, that one day, you will learn to trust me like you used to, to see me like you used to.

I have seen you grow up from a boy to a young man, a man who is not only beautiful but with a golden heart, a man not only honest but valiant. You are a survivor hon. You have gone through some of life's worst times but still I see you standing straight, trying to be something more. I know someday you will be a leader, a beautiful person doing good to our country and her people. 

I can't wait for that day to come.

Me and My Brother

P.S: I completely adore your blog. It's so full of you, your principles and ideas. You have made me one hell of a proud sister. Keep writing!

Love,
Your Sister