"Not an Ideal Daughter, Not an Ideal Sister, Not an Ideal Friend"

I am not an ideal daughter, not an ideal sister, not an ideal friend. I am a selfish bitch! PERIOD! I try beyond everything to fix this part of me, but in vain. It’s not that I don’t love my parents or my brother or my friends. I love each one of them, with every part of me!
The thing is that I have been hurt so many times in the past that I don’t have it in me to believe anyone any more again. Every time, every fucking time I dared to trust someone, that person broke my trust, abandoned me, treated me like I did not mean anything. Over the years, I buried all the hurt, the humiliation, the pain. When they over flew, I buried them again. Until the point, I could not do it anymore!

I want to love them, my parents, my brother, my friends. I tell myself “I will be okay! I am having a bad Baaaaad day! I have people who love me, treat me like I matter! I am going to be okay!” For a moment I actually believe I am going to be okay. Then in the next moment, all the ghosts from my past come back. They choke me, they suffocate me, until I feel like a prisoner in my own room.

That’s when I give up. That’s when I know that no matter how many times I try, things will never get back to what they were before. That’s when I start ignoring the people I love. That’s when I throw them away and treat them like they mean nothing to me. That’s when I push them away, far away from me, until they leave me in my place of hell, all alone!