In the end, it's me and me alone that matters!

Photo Credit: http://imgur.com/u37f4pC

I am not proud of some of the things I have done in my life. I am a selfish person. I only do what I want to do, I only believe what I want to believe, irrespective of it being wrong or right. I have lost people throughout. Sometimes I have cared, sometimes I did not give a fuck. Why I am writing this post?

Because in spite of being a horrible friend, a horrible sister, a horrible person, I have two people, my brother and my best friend, standing beside me always, through everything good or bad. And that is enough!

It bothered me before, when I thought about how many friends I had in school, how many times a week I used to go out clubbing, shopping or to the malls. It bothered me how from being with so many people I ended up being with just one friend from school, how I ended up being, spending all my time alone, inside the four walls of my room. This room, where I am sitting and writing this post, just a month back made me claustrophobic, suffocated me. Not anymore!

Somewhere between then and now, I realised something. I realised how important it is to take out time for me, to be with just me, to read my favourite book, to watch my favourite movie, to spend an hour working out in the gym in spite of being a lazy ass, to take a stroll on my terrace under a blanket full of stars with the night surrounding me, to spend time sitting on my window sill, smoking a cigarette and talking to me. It's amazing. It's the most beautiful feeling I have felt in a long time. Just me and the world. How this happened? How I felt the extraordinary out of the ordinary?

Well! It happened when I opened myself to the world. It happened when I severed ties with everything that I did not need, the people who does not matter, the world that judges, the ego that grows, the self pity that feeds.

We, humans have this tendency to cover our emptiness with people, we tend to cling to companionships, intimacies, thinking that the key to our happiness lies with the people we are with. It's true to some extent. It's okay to be with people and feel happy, and complete. But that happiness, that sense of completeness does not last forever. That happiness never grows. As there is no growth in emptiness. It's hollow. The state of feeling whole and complete comes from within. Peace is an inner journey, a mission to discover one as an individual in this vast universe.

In the end, it's me and me alone that matters!

"I am not okay!"

I am not okay!

Even after all these years, even after shifting places I am chased by my insecurities and pain.

What I could never understand is how my life became like this, so disarray and jumbled. I was a good student in school, with dreams, big dreams that made me who I was. I was a dreamer, a person who in spite of falling down a thousand times, stood up and fixed it. Now... I just give up. I try, I actually try to stand up. But I guess I am just tired. I am tired of getting up each morning and not being the person I used to be, I am tired of being a coward and not pursue my own happiness, I am tired of dreaming things and not chasing after them, above all I am tired of fighting to make something out of each day.

I read this quote somewhere

 "I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words, but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling."

This quote feels like it was written for me. It hits right at home. Because no matter how much I try I cannot, any more be me. That girl, who was so optimistic, so full of life, so inspirational is lost.

The world took her.

I am plagued by how people time and again used me, how people ruthlessly left me, how I always have been a pain in the ass for my parents, how I have always let them down, how I keep letting myself .
My insides are like a burning furnace, with everything engulfing me.

I have no peace left in me. Anymore.

In Night's Presence...

Last night was so beautiful that sleep was eluding me! I was lying down on my bed, which was half drowned in moon’s shimmering light, and tried with everything in me to sleep, to mute the loud voices inside my head.  There was something about Night’s presence, that every time I sought her, she surrounded me, she made me feel safe! Her quietness, Her shadows, Her lone silent songs did havoc on my senses.

After hours of trying to sleep and in vain, I got out of my bed and walked towards my window and just stood there, staring into nothingness. I stood there and thought about all the things that was bothering me, the never ending fears, the endless insecurities, the silent cries of my heart.

Then in a snap, just like that I forgot, I forgot that I am being chased by my demons, the past that never seems to let go of me. It was then that I felt her presence, Night’s presence. Her moon shinning brightly in the sky, the black shroud that she has cast over everything surrounding me, the stillness of her beauty and her presence everything. Suddenly, I did not feel alone. I felt accepted, I felt Night hugging me tight and whispering that I am not alone, that Night herself is with me. Right there, in that moment, I felt the voices inside my head subside and I let myself be free!

Inferno!

I know quitting is a sign of weakness! I know quitting is a sign of cowardice! But what should one do when quitting is the only path to redemption.

I am a victim of claustrophobia, the intense feelings of having the walls around my room close on to me and leave me nothing but suffocated, of having trouble breathing and desperately wanting to run away to someplace new, someplace devoid of past memories. It’s not that I have not tried, but each time this desperation, this suffocation follows me.

I am not happy, not because I am not loved, not because I don’t have the things necessary to live, simply because I don’t know what I want. I crave things which I know is not right for me, I want those who will never stand by me. I want to belong, to be part of something, to bring together the missing pieces of my life.

For the first time I am restraining, not because it makes me feel safe, but because I know it’s the right thing to do. May be this hopelessness, this desperation is because of fighting my battle alone, of finding no one to turn to! May be this is life’s test to make me stronger, more harder! Or maybe this is another passing chapter in the never ending flow of life!

"I Miss My Best Friend!"

“I miss my best friend!” he said, in his old selfish voice.

I had a strong urge to ask, “Your best friend…!? Who exactly….!? Are you talking about the one whom you left behind when the urge to save yourself became more important than mine?”

That should have been my reaction but at that moment, I honestly felt nothing. After months and years of hating him, of trying to forget him, of plucking out all his ingrained memories, I am tired, I am terribly tired!

For years, I have tried to define our relationship and for the first time I have my answer. Earlier, during the peaceful days, the revelation should have brought me comfort but all it does now is bring back feelings of stinking revulsion.

Because between him, my past and my future lie that day, the day, when he proved that I was nothing more than a leaf fallen under a maple tree, in the pregnant months of autumn.

The Moments of Impact...!

I always wanted to hate my mother. She looked after my needs, gave me more than I needed but was not there when I wanted her to understand me, my world. She found fault in everything I did: the long hours spent in the mall, longs hours spent over the phone, the people I hanged out with, the books I loved to read, in short nearly everything. When brother did something really bad, the blame came on to me. When he was not studying, I must have done something to distract him. 

My heart cried her own secret battle for her attention, her understanding. But it never happened. I wanted to shout on top of my voice “Why me?” When it became too much to bear, I shouted, I shouted angry bitter words and my heart cried retribution. Later, I remember being termed as “vehemently rude”.

Life has made me fall a thousand times, sometimes due to my stupidity, at times due to circumstances. It never bothered me. Isn’t life all about falling and getting up? Failures never swayed my unremitting confidence. “If one door closes than in some other place another opens!” My motto is pretty much that. But my mother was my opposite. When I was the optimist, she became my nemesis. She wanted to protect me from failures but can she?....if that’s what life has in store for me. I remember telling her just that more than a million times. Each time, she managed to bypass my words and succinctly put forward her warnings.

The daily tiffs left me utterly disgusted. I wanted a mother not a dictator. After all these years, I can say with conviction that she has not changed a bit. There were moments, strong moments when I wanted to hate her with every fibre of my being. The hell with her domineering attitude!

But I never brought myself to do that. I always found myself transported to one of those times, the moments of impact, when she became the mother I wanted her to be “the soft caring lioness”……..

Long long summers back, on a late afternoon, I was having my light afternoon slumber, when I felt my mother enter my room. She had just returned from office. She slowly came towards me and lightly brushed her hand through my hair. Neither I was awake nor I was sleeping, but like a fossil that moment is forever engraved in my memory. I can’t really explain what I was going through then, but it felt as if slow electricity was passing through my body. In that moment, I knew with clarity what it feels like to be the Kohinoor diamond.

The moments of impact….The moments of impact tells us what we really feel about a person. We can’t change a person but what we can is to accept them as they are. If I sit down to remember my mother’s harsh scathing accusations then it will take me forever to forgive her. Every time the thought of hatred passes through my mind, I remember that moment and everything else becomes blurred. In that one moment, I saw her love for me and nothing else is bigger than that.

Life is not about holding grudges, but it is about forgiving. Just because a person does not do things the way we want them to be, we start hating them. In moments when you start doubting a persons’ devotion or love for you, remember the moments of impact, when that same person treated you as the precious Kohinoor diamond.

Your heart will know the answers!

The Questions Unanswered.....!

I don’t know what is right anymore! Two days back, I was desperate to get away from home. The pink coloured walls of my room held me like the prison bars, crippling me from the living my life the way I wanted. I was sure of finding my peace in an unknown place among unknown people. When all these became too much for me to bear, I ran, I ran far far away from home, in my search for peace.

It was all planned. I, finding myself in an unknown place, surrounded by unknown people, with no one to question, no one to point his or her fingers at me, at my past. That was all I hope, all I desired. But the moment I reached my destination, I was not sure of my intentions anymore.

I have been asked often “How are you?” Each time I replied “I am fine!” People hear, they smile, they give their best wishes, they leave. The predictable end!

There obvious question, each time, opens the wound, which never seems to heal. Do they seriously want to know what I am going through or are the questions a part of their social duty? Do they really care? If they do care, than why don’t they see the blatant lie behind the words “I am fine”!

I wish I had the answers. When I sit…When I actually sit to find the answers to these questions, I face a void, as if someone has put a black shroud over my head, stopping me from my answers.

What am I running from or what is it that’s holding me back from living the life I have long dream of, I know naught. All I know is that this can’t go long. Sooner or later I have to decipher the maze and find my answers.

Soon…!!!

In her depth, I found peace....

I have always felt the happiest, among my plants, in my terrace. It is one of those places, where I can finally be myself, with no one to order, no one to disturb, just me and my thoughts. I till the soil, mix the manure, trim the plants. It is a welcome pain, It makes me feel alive and close to Nature, who accepted me without my explanations.

During my youthful days, in one of those idyllic afternoons, I fell in love, with my grandmother’s garden. I looked around thunderstruck with appreciation for nature and her abundance. It was instantaneous and lasting. Later, I remember telling my grandmother “Dida, Please leave the garden to me as a part of your legacy.”

She agreed.

In my childhood exuberance, I forgot, things don’t last forever, no matter how much we want them to. Soon came a day, when I did the hardest thing, I bid adieu to the place, where I have felt the happiest. Time and again, my mind wonders to that distant garden, the images blurred due to age and questions like “who inhibits that place now? Who enjoys the same day to day thrill that I have once felt?” creates a momentary riot in my head.

The First Rays of Peace

Some ghost and memories, they never leave. They are there every day, every hour, every minute. I finally brought myself to face them, my inner demons. I have had enough: the insomnia and paranoia were slowly eating bits and pieces of my being.

I did what I had to, I faced the problem. The next moment, I felt a lightening in the deepest corner of my heart, as if a huge weight has been removed. The day looked brighter and then entered, after the long stormy months, the first rays of peace.