In the end, it's me and me alone that matters!

Photo Credit: http://imgur.com/u37f4pC

I am not proud of some of the things I have done in my life. I am a selfish person. I only do what I want to do, I only believe what I want to believe, irrespective of it being wrong or right. I have lost people throughout. Sometimes I have cared, sometimes I did not give a fuck. Why I am writing this post?

Because in spite of being a horrible friend, a horrible sister, a horrible person, I have two people, my brother and my best friend, standing beside me always, through everything good or bad. And that is enough!

It bothered me before, when I thought about how many friends I had in school, how many times a week I used to go out clubbing, shopping or to the malls. It bothered me how from being with so many people I ended up being with just one friend from school, how I ended up being, spending all my time alone, inside the four walls of my room. This room, where I am sitting and writing this post, just a month back made me claustrophobic, suffocated me. Not anymore!

Somewhere between then and now, I realised something. I realised how important it is to take out time for me, to be with just me, to read my favourite book, to watch my favourite movie, to spend an hour working out in the gym in spite of being a lazy ass, to take a stroll on my terrace under a blanket full of stars with the night surrounding me, to spend time sitting on my window sill, smoking a cigarette and talking to me. It's amazing. It's the most beautiful feeling I have felt in a long time. Just me and the world. How this happened? How I felt the extraordinary out of the ordinary?

Well! It happened when I opened myself to the world. It happened when I severed ties with everything that I did not need, the people who does not matter, the world that judges, the ego that grows, the self pity that feeds.

We, humans have this tendency to cover our emptiness with people, we tend to cling to companionships, intimacies, thinking that the key to our happiness lies with the people we are with. It's true to some extent. It's okay to be with people and feel happy, and complete. But that happiness, that sense of completeness does not last forever. That happiness never grows. As there is no growth in emptiness. It's hollow. The state of feeling whole and complete comes from within. Peace is an inner journey, a mission to discover one as an individual in this vast universe.

In the end, it's me and me alone that matters!

~Starting Fresh~

How important is “starting fresh”?

“Starting fresh” is the best thing that can happen to you. Why…? Simple…! You grow up in a town among people who soon become our family, friends, best friends, relatives. Relationships are the best thing that can happen to you, so are the memories that you built with them over the years.

After few years, you start feeling constricted, bounded to the family, friends, relatives that you made over the years. You get stuck in the cage of their expectations from us, to your responsibilities towards them. And somewhere in the middle, you forget where you as an individual stand in this world. You forget our identity, you aspirations and start defining or refining yourselves from the point of view of how people want to see you! You want to move forward but you can’t move beyond a point, you remain stuck in the humdrum life of yours, clinging by a thread to your sanity.

Desperation, depression, worthlessness, insanity, self-destruction takes hold of you!
That’s when you need to break free, to escape the human cave and be free. To break free from the bonds of relations, their expectations, their captivity and expand your wings as far as possible to find out that thing, the one unique thing, that makes you “YOU”!

~Mayo-Corn Sandwich~

This is our legendary Mayo Corn Sandwich. Legendary..Why? There is a loooong story behind it.

Every four years, our school conducts a fest called the “Spectrum”. Each and every student of our school has to participate. We are taken to the fields and given training for six to seven months. After every practice, we are provided with food packets containing pastas, fruits, pizzas, cookies, cakes and this “Mayo-Corn” sandwich. I remember trading my cookies for this sandwich. I love  love loved it! And everyone around me loved it too. It was really hard to find a trading partner. L

The Spectrum was undoubtedly the best part of our school life. There used to be less number of classes and more amount of fun. Reminiscing about it now makes me want to go back to school so damn much.

Well, getting back to this mayo corn sandwich.

For days I have been thinking of making this. Mayo and corn are too of my favorite things in the world. One day, I finally did. The moment I posted a picture of my version of the Mayo-Corn sandwich in Facebook, it became a hit. I decided then and there to give it in my blog. So here it is-

The Recipe-

4-5 tbsp Mayonnaise

½ tsp freshly ground Black Pepper

½ cup Sweet Corn

4 slices of Fresh Brown Bread

1 tbsp Butter or Margarine

The Procedure-
First is preparing the Corn-

Boil the corn until they are golden in color. Heat some butter or margarine on a wok, and fry the boiled corn for five to seven minutes.

Second is to make the Mayo Corn mixture-

Take a medium sized bowl and put about 4 to 5 tablespoon of Mayonnaise on it. Add the ½ teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper and the prepared golden fried corn (step one). Now mix everything together. And keep it aside.

Third is toasting the bread slices-

Heat a tava and place the bread one by one on it. Toast both sides of each slices of bread until they are brown in color.

Fourth is assembling the second and the third step-

Take a toasted slice of bread (step three) and put the mayo-corn mixture (step two) on it and cover it with another slice of toasted bread.

"Mayo Corn Sandwich"

The Mayo Corn Sandwich is ready now! And it is deliciously awesomely yummy!J

"Not an Ideal Daughter, Not an Ideal Sister, Not an Ideal Friend"

I am not an ideal daughter, not an ideal sister, not an ideal friend. I am a selfish bitch! PERIOD! I try beyond everything to fix this part of me, but in vain. It’s not that I don’t love my parents or my brother or my friends. I love each one of them, with every part of me!
The thing is that I have been hurt so many times in the past that I don’t have it in me to believe anyone any more again. Every time, every fucking time I dared to trust someone, that person broke my trust, abandoned me, treated me like I did not mean anything. Over the years, I buried all the hurt, the humiliation, the pain. When they over flew, I buried them again. Until the point, I could not do it anymore!

I want to love them, my parents, my brother, my friends. I tell myself “I will be okay! I am having a bad Baaaaad day! I have people who love me, treat me like I matter! I am going to be okay!” For a moment I actually believe I am going to be okay. Then in the next moment, all the ghosts from my past come back. They choke me, they suffocate me, until I feel like a prisoner in my own room.

That’s when I give up. That’s when I know that no matter how many times I try, things will never get back to what they were before. That’s when I start ignoring the people I love. That’s when I throw them away and treat them like they mean nothing to me. That’s when I push them away, far away from me, until they leave me in my place of hell, all alone!

"Cafe Mocha"

I was in the auto with my best friend! I was like "PD bari cho taratari; Cafe mocha khawabo!" meaning "PD lets get back home quickly; I am gonna make Cafe Mocha!" He was like "Seriously! What is it with you and cafe mocha?" I did not know, so I kept quiet!
For the past two days, I am not doing well! My laptop broke down; I know to others it's just a laptop and you can easily replace it with another one! But that lappy is my life! My everything! It hurts like a bitch to see it broken! But after self pitying over my bad luck for two days, you reach the limit of boredom. So, in order to cheer me up, I made myself a cup of cafe mocha (coffee with two spoons of cocoa powder). While making it, I thought about what my best friend asked me the other day! Why...!? Why am I obssessed with this drink!? Then I realized that this baby is my comfort drink which I make every time I am down! A drink just for me! And I have made this drink for the two people I love the most in this world, my brother and my best friend!

When all else fails, there's still family......

As a participant of this crazy human race, I too have certain high dreams and aspirations. I won’t say that in twenty years of grazing through life I have got whatever I wished for. If I sit down to think about the dreams I did not achieve then I will have no other option than breaking down. But when I actually look at the things I have, I feel full. I have a big awesome family, comprising of my total sweet heart father, totally chaotic mother, not too grown up brother, and a bunch of silly, never boring friends.

It’s true when they say, “We come to this world alone, We work alone, We live alone, We depart alone”. But wouldn’t this life be too boring, too colorless without these stupid stupid relationships?

Few days back, I was out of town for about three days. I was on the phone with my father, when he enquired “When are you getting back!? It’s been ages since I last saw you!” Then after returning, when I opened my Facebook wall, I see a post “Heyya sis, Call me” (this one was from my brother after about six hours of leaving home). And then you have your friends! I seriously have no idea what I would have done without them! They are always there. When you don’t want to talk, they have to talk, bug and irritate until you come out clean. When you want to talk, they are too bust with assignments, work to even do so. God! They drive me mad! Their never ending demands, their never ending parenting, the horrible fights, the gossips. God! Is there any moment when you guys are not there?

May be! Life is not about big things but about these small and big, significant and insignificant moments. Later when you sum them up, they grow into something gigantic, something much more precious, something much more powerful, something worth fighting for, they all grow into a one big “family”.

"I Miss My Best Friend!"

“I miss my best friend!” he said, in his old selfish voice.

I had a strong urge to ask, “Your best friend…!? Who exactly….!? Are you talking about the one whom you left behind when the urge to save yourself became more important than mine?”

That should have been my reaction but at that moment, I honestly felt nothing. After months and years of hating him, of trying to forget him, of plucking out all his ingrained memories, I am tired, I am terribly tired!

For years, I have tried to define our relationship and for the first time I have my answer. Earlier, during the peaceful days, the revelation should have brought me comfort but all it does now is bring back feelings of stinking revulsion.

Because between him, my past and my future lie that day, the day, when he proved that I was nothing more than a leaf fallen under a maple tree, in the pregnant months of autumn.

A Letter To My "Cute as Button" Brother......

To the shining light of my life,

I always wanted to write this letter, "our letter", to tell you how beautifully you entered my world and made it bright. You were the light to my darkness, you were the ray of hope at the end of my long dark tunnel.

The first time I saw you, was when father took me to the hospital, one fine day, the day you came into this world. A white cloth was wrapped around your body. You were the tiniest, the cutest thing that I have ever seen and you had just peed on the sheet (don’t kill me for mentioning it). I fell in love, sweety, I was totally lost. That moment will forever be etched in my mind because that day I found the other half of myself, my partner in crime, my life's greatest joy, my brother.

You were the sweetest thing I ever saw. You came to me for almost everything, at times to the point of me going nuts. Once, I remember being so angry at you that I left you behind and brought your friend a toffee. You, like the poor kid, who was left behind, followed me and got hit by a cycle. You broke your collar bone. I was terrified that I did that to you. I was too small to understand that I was selfish, that I should have accompanied you rather than leave you behind. It was not one of my proudest moments. I was too small to understand what you were to me, to understand that I should have taken greater care of you. I was too small.

When the people who loves you, who can do anything for you, who will love you unconditionally not caring the evil that you hoard inside is beside you, you seldom give a shit. You do not understand their importance, you push them away, you play with them, until they are too far away from you to get hold off.

I understand your importance, your absence the most when I found myself in the hospital. That moment I wanted to ensure everything was normal even when my whole world was anything but normal. I was lying there on that lone hospital bed alone, my partner in crime missing. I wanted you beside me, just like I spent 16 years of my life, sleeping beside each other, talking about the most silliest of stuffs, talking about some guy in my life, some girl in your life, talking...speculating about the ending of some book,some movie, some game that intrigued us. That was our life hon. The whole day, spent apart in school, or somewhere but at night together sharing tit-bits of our daily mundane life. That was being normal to me. Not me lying, helplessly on that stupid fucking hospital bed.

I saw you retreat into yourself, you created a world inside yourself, where you stored your each feeling, your each thought, your everything. And for the first time, I was not part of that world. I wanted to reach out so badly, because seeing you like that took the life out of me. I felt desperate hon. I felt wrung out from inside. It felt as if there is a gulf, never ending gulf between us. And I was responsible.

Somehow, we have learned to live, to be a part of each other's life but I still feel that emptiness inside me, the place that was yours, that you left but never reclaimed. I hope hon with all my heart, that one day, you will learn to trust me like you used to, to see me like you used to.

I have seen you grow up from a boy to a young man, a man who is not only beautiful but with a golden heart, a man not only honest but valiant. You are a survivor hon. You have gone through some of life's worst times but still I see you standing straight, trying to be something more. I know someday you will be a leader, a beautiful person doing good to our country and her people. 

I can't wait for that day to come.

Me and My Brother

P.S: I completely adore your blog. It's so full of you, your principles and ideas. You have made me one hell of a proud sister. Keep writing!

Love,
Your Sister

Raindrops after Long months of Droughts!

There is an uncanny unpredictability about life. When things start to look the darkest, something wonderful happens to brighten it up. Just now, I finished my one hour long conversation with my best friend. There is this thing about him, he always tells me things, I don’t want to hear. I hate hearing the truth from him and it eventually ends in a fight. Sometimes, it irritates me, sometimes it makes me happy, I feel alive.

We talked about everything to everything. It’s strange how we have bonded in all these years. Eerily, he knows everything, even when I keep quiet and pretend to listen. Often, I wondered whether he truly knew. But then during my darkest times, he saying, in his deep quiet voice, "I Understand!", feels like the raindrops after long months of droughts.

Estranged!

The loneliness persists and slowly eats away my determination to live peacefully. Sometimes, the pain can be avoided by doing the easiest things. But then, taking the easiest step needs courage, which presently, I am lacking. 

I have stopped talking to her. It hurts, it feels as if a part, a vital part is missing, but I welcome the pain. The pain is the reality and I am not afraid to face it. But confrontation I hate and I am dreading the outcome.

I don’t know what came in between us, why I am angry with her, why I have started hating her. I don’t want that. I never would. She is the dose I crave, I desire and I hunger for. Without her I am incomplete.

Then why, when I picked up my cell to call her, I could not? I dialed her number only to erase it and bask in my loneliness.

F-R-I-E-N-D-S

I first heard about her in class five, when someone said “She is crying again!”

Then, I first saw her in class six, she sat behind me. She and I had one thing in common, we both love “Shah Rukh Khan”.

Back then if someone would have told me that she will become my shadow, I would have laughed. To her, I was the most irritating, nayka (sissy) girl. But the one common thing (SRK) brought us together. During the lunch break, we often sang some of the tunes from Veer Zaara.

Over the years, life brought us together again and again. Still, I was unaware that she will become a part of my soul. Life has tested our friendship. We have often cried, we have often fought, we have often laughed. But nothing could batter the strong foundation of our friendship, our mutual trust and our mutual respect. We are just the opposite. She is frank, rational, emotional and I the impulsive, carefree dreamer.

I can never comprehend how we became friends. But at times, the answer is so obvious, she is the dose of reality that I need from time to time, she is the steady wind that propels me towards a better me. 

She is the only one from my past, who has stayed, who has accepted me for who I am, who has understood me before my explanation.

Disgusted By The Lack Of Sensitivity In My Friend!

For the past few days, I am yearning to do something new and meaningful. When I stumbled upon the idea of teaching the slum children, I could barely wait to start. I wanted to share my motivation with my best friend, S, who is in her first year of college, studying Zoology Honors.

While coming back from tuition, I decided to stop by her place. It was afternoon and she was preparing to take her midday slumber. She was shocked to see me there. I quickly shared my thoughts regarding my cause and asked her to work beside me. She patiently listened to my proposal but refused to take part in it as she will be soon starting her second year in college. I felt sad not because she refused but because she gave the excuse that she will be starting college. I would have admired it if she would have told me that she did not want to do it. I refused to belief that she does not have three hours to spare in a week.

I was deeply affected by her refusal as I respected her. She was my role model. But these days, I find it hard to communicate with her. Whenever I talk to her; I feel a strange distance between us; her refusal haunts me.

I understand that she has responsibilities towards her family; I respect her for recognizing those responsibilities. But I don’t respect her for forgetting the responsibility that she has for her society. I am very close to S we are like sisters. We often go out for movies; talk endlessly over the phone gossiping or updating each other about the daily soaps. In short we waste endless amount of time doing nothing; but we hardly realize that.

I don’t believe in the fact that education is everything. That’s just one aspect of one’s personality. I am a staunch believer in extra-curricular activities. I have often heard people saying that just by teaching small number of slum children; nothing will change. But my point is if we don’t try then how will we know what will be the outcome. It’s all about motivation which until few weeks back I lacked. But now I have realized my responsibilities towards my society and I will definitely never give up without trying.

After all, Michael Jordan has said,

“I can accept failure; everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying......”

When I Broke My Best Friend's Heart....

I am an Egoist and I hate that about myself!

I broke my best friend’s heart when I blatantly rejected his help and made him feel cheap.

My best friend is an aspiring computer engineer. We first met each other in Facebook. Whenever, my laptop starts to freak me out with weird problems, he comes to my rescue. I suck badly at computers, even at the most basics operations (not proud of thisL).

One fine afternoon, I saw that my computer has been attacked by sixteen system viruses. I felt as if lightening has hit my head. I carry my whole world in my laptop and I can’t bring out the strength to see it affected by that many “SYSTEM” viruses (a clear indication that my computer can collapse any moment). I immediately called my friend and asked him to come. He promised that he will stop by in the evening. He also brought for me a downloaded version of Windows 7 (a very thoughtful gesture on his part) for which I can’t thank him less.

He inserted the installation CD and started the formatting process. It was taking sometime. In order to pass the time, we started talking. In the middle of our conversation, one of his friends called. He asked me to remain quiet. But I refused to take his advice. I was shouting on the top of my voice. I was trying to make it sound as if I am his girlfriend. My hard work paid off and his friend hurriedly ended his call thinking that he is with his girlfriend. My friend was angry. He felt like killing me and repeatedly said that I have created more trouble for him. I felt a bit offended. I told him that it was a prank but he continued to blame me. In between, he said something that hurt my ego. I was deliberately searching for a way to hurt him. I don’t know why I wanted to behave so badly but I did. I, in a moment of whim, removed the installation CD and asked my friend to leave. He was shocked. Even when I was so rude, my friend was thoughtful enough to tell me that he will wait till the installation process was over. But I was adamant. I proudly told him that I don’t give a damn; I also added with a tinge of arrogance that I am fine without his help.

He left but kept behind the installation CD that he has thoughtfully brought for me. His abrupt departure made me hate myself more. I was feeling a thunderstorm of grieve and guilt. I wanted to go and bring him back. But at that particular moment, my pride was more important to me than my friendship.

As expected, he refused to take my calls. Every time, I told myself that I am fine without him. But that was not so. Whenever, I looked at my computer and saw the disastrous state it was in, I felt like killing myself for making him go. During the long months of his silence, I realised how important he is to me; I realised that he has become an integral part of my life. After the realisation has come, my primary aim was to get back my old friend. The only idea in my head was to write all my thoughts in my blog and mail him the link. I was somehow sure that through words, I can reach out to him; I can reach out to the friendship that I have broken so ruthlessly.

P: S:- It did pay offJJJ