Home.

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Home? Can four walls encompassing few people be called a home? Is it important in defining us? How important is it in shaping us, making us who we are today?

I have been plagued by these questions for some time now.

My story started in Kolkata, capital of  West Bengal, a state in the north east part of India. West Bengal is not that hard to find. It has a rich history which is easily available on Google. I was born and brought up here. All my firsts, starting from learning to talk, learning to stand, learning to write, learning to understand the world and its people, every first started from here. This place, out of thousand other places became the reason for my existence.

How can a place, a place so small compared to the rest of the world, the rest of the universe become so important? The point of this post is to find an answer to that.

When I started thinking about this question, one recurring answer came to mind, my family. This place does have something that no other places in this world has, my family. It is the family that roots me to this place. My brother says "You never give up on your family." Indeed! What I have learnt is that when everything else ends, it is the family that stays. Family never leaves, never judges, never hate. It became the only static in my life.

I believe everything is built on a foundation. A tree will not survive the storm if it did not have strong, firm roots to hold it still. A building will not survive gravity unless it has those iron rods to give it foundation. A relationship will not mature if it did not have the foundation of love, mutual respect and trust. An artist can never dream and create if he does not have the foundation of his imagination. Foundation.

Family gives foundation. The courage to fight the world, to stand up for yourself, to chase your dreams, to learn to feel, to learn to love, to learn to trust, to learn to laugh, to learn to share pain. The basis for your existence becomes the family, the air to give flight to the wild creature buried deep inside your heart. It becomes the roots for one's tree of life to expand and branch out.

It is the family that makes a building made of bricks, a Home.

~Mayo-Corn Sandwich~

This is our legendary Mayo Corn Sandwich. Legendary..Why? There is a loooong story behind it.

Every four years, our school conducts a fest called the “Spectrum”. Each and every student of our school has to participate. We are taken to the fields and given training for six to seven months. After every practice, we are provided with food packets containing pastas, fruits, pizzas, cookies, cakes and this “Mayo-Corn” sandwich. I remember trading my cookies for this sandwich. I love  love loved it! And everyone around me loved it too. It was really hard to find a trading partner. L

The Spectrum was undoubtedly the best part of our school life. There used to be less number of classes and more amount of fun. Reminiscing about it now makes me want to go back to school so damn much.

Well, getting back to this mayo corn sandwich.

For days I have been thinking of making this. Mayo and corn are too of my favorite things in the world. One day, I finally did. The moment I posted a picture of my version of the Mayo-Corn sandwich in Facebook, it became a hit. I decided then and there to give it in my blog. So here it is-

The Recipe-

4-5 tbsp Mayonnaise

½ tsp freshly ground Black Pepper

½ cup Sweet Corn

4 slices of Fresh Brown Bread

1 tbsp Butter or Margarine

The Procedure-
First is preparing the Corn-

Boil the corn until they are golden in color. Heat some butter or margarine on a wok, and fry the boiled corn for five to seven minutes.

Second is to make the Mayo Corn mixture-

Take a medium sized bowl and put about 4 to 5 tablespoon of Mayonnaise on it. Add the ½ teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper and the prepared golden fried corn (step one). Now mix everything together. And keep it aside.

Third is toasting the bread slices-

Heat a tava and place the bread one by one on it. Toast both sides of each slices of bread until they are brown in color.

Fourth is assembling the second and the third step-

Take a toasted slice of bread (step three) and put the mayo-corn mixture (step two) on it and cover it with another slice of toasted bread.

"Mayo Corn Sandwich"

The Mayo Corn Sandwich is ready now! And it is deliciously awesomely yummy!J

When all else fails, there's still family......

As a participant of this crazy human race, I too have certain high dreams and aspirations. I won’t say that in twenty years of grazing through life I have got whatever I wished for. If I sit down to think about the dreams I did not achieve then I will have no other option than breaking down. But when I actually look at the things I have, I feel full. I have a big awesome family, comprising of my total sweet heart father, totally chaotic mother, not too grown up brother, and a bunch of silly, never boring friends.

It’s true when they say, “We come to this world alone, We work alone, We live alone, We depart alone”. But wouldn’t this life be too boring, too colorless without these stupid stupid relationships?

Few days back, I was out of town for about three days. I was on the phone with my father, when he enquired “When are you getting back!? It’s been ages since I last saw you!” Then after returning, when I opened my Facebook wall, I see a post “Heyya sis, Call me” (this one was from my brother after about six hours of leaving home). And then you have your friends! I seriously have no idea what I would have done without them! They are always there. When you don’t want to talk, they have to talk, bug and irritate until you come out clean. When you want to talk, they are too bust with assignments, work to even do so. God! They drive me mad! Their never ending demands, their never ending parenting, the horrible fights, the gossips. God! Is there any moment when you guys are not there?

May be! Life is not about big things but about these small and big, significant and insignificant moments. Later when you sum them up, they grow into something gigantic, something much more precious, something much more powerful, something worth fighting for, they all grow into a one big “family”.

A Letter To My "Cute as Button" Brother......

To the shining light of my life,

I always wanted to write this letter, "our letter", to tell you how beautifully you entered my world and made it bright. You were the light to my darkness, you were the ray of hope at the end of my long dark tunnel.

The first time I saw you, was when father took me to the hospital, one fine day, the day you came into this world. A white cloth was wrapped around your body. You were the tiniest, the cutest thing that I have ever seen and you had just peed on the sheet (don’t kill me for mentioning it). I fell in love, sweety, I was totally lost. That moment will forever be etched in my mind because that day I found the other half of myself, my partner in crime, my life's greatest joy, my brother.

You were the sweetest thing I ever saw. You came to me for almost everything, at times to the point of me going nuts. Once, I remember being so angry at you that I left you behind and brought your friend a toffee. You, like the poor kid, who was left behind, followed me and got hit by a cycle. You broke your collar bone. I was terrified that I did that to you. I was too small to understand that I was selfish, that I should have accompanied you rather than leave you behind. It was not one of my proudest moments. I was too small to understand what you were to me, to understand that I should have taken greater care of you. I was too small.

When the people who loves you, who can do anything for you, who will love you unconditionally not caring the evil that you hoard inside is beside you, you seldom give a shit. You do not understand their importance, you push them away, you play with them, until they are too far away from you to get hold off.

I understand your importance, your absence the most when I found myself in the hospital. That moment I wanted to ensure everything was normal even when my whole world was anything but normal. I was lying there on that lone hospital bed alone, my partner in crime missing. I wanted you beside me, just like I spent 16 years of my life, sleeping beside each other, talking about the most silliest of stuffs, talking about some guy in my life, some girl in your life, talking...speculating about the ending of some book,some movie, some game that intrigued us. That was our life hon. The whole day, spent apart in school, or somewhere but at night together sharing tit-bits of our daily mundane life. That was being normal to me. Not me lying, helplessly on that stupid fucking hospital bed.

I saw you retreat into yourself, you created a world inside yourself, where you stored your each feeling, your each thought, your everything. And for the first time, I was not part of that world. I wanted to reach out so badly, because seeing you like that took the life out of me. I felt desperate hon. I felt wrung out from inside. It felt as if there is a gulf, never ending gulf between us. And I was responsible.

Somehow, we have learned to live, to be a part of each other's life but I still feel that emptiness inside me, the place that was yours, that you left but never reclaimed. I hope hon with all my heart, that one day, you will learn to trust me like you used to, to see me like you used to.

I have seen you grow up from a boy to a young man, a man who is not only beautiful but with a golden heart, a man not only honest but valiant. You are a survivor hon. You have gone through some of life's worst times but still I see you standing straight, trying to be something more. I know someday you will be a leader, a beautiful person doing good to our country and her people. 

I can't wait for that day to come.

Me and My Brother

P.S: I completely adore your blog. It's so full of you, your principles and ideas. You have made me one hell of a proud sister. Keep writing!

Love,
Your Sister

The Moments of Impact...!

I always wanted to hate my mother. She looked after my needs, gave me more than I needed but was not there when I wanted her to understand me, my world. She found fault in everything I did: the long hours spent in the mall, longs hours spent over the phone, the people I hanged out with, the books I loved to read, in short nearly everything. When brother did something really bad, the blame came on to me. When he was not studying, I must have done something to distract him. 

My heart cried her own secret battle for her attention, her understanding. But it never happened. I wanted to shout on top of my voice “Why me?” When it became too much to bear, I shouted, I shouted angry bitter words and my heart cried retribution. Later, I remember being termed as “vehemently rude”.

Life has made me fall a thousand times, sometimes due to my stupidity, at times due to circumstances. It never bothered me. Isn’t life all about falling and getting up? Failures never swayed my unremitting confidence. “If one door closes than in some other place another opens!” My motto is pretty much that. But my mother was my opposite. When I was the optimist, she became my nemesis. She wanted to protect me from failures but can she?....if that’s what life has in store for me. I remember telling her just that more than a million times. Each time, she managed to bypass my words and succinctly put forward her warnings.

The daily tiffs left me utterly disgusted. I wanted a mother not a dictator. After all these years, I can say with conviction that she has not changed a bit. There were moments, strong moments when I wanted to hate her with every fibre of my being. The hell with her domineering attitude!

But I never brought myself to do that. I always found myself transported to one of those times, the moments of impact, when she became the mother I wanted her to be “the soft caring lioness”……..

Long long summers back, on a late afternoon, I was having my light afternoon slumber, when I felt my mother enter my room. She had just returned from office. She slowly came towards me and lightly brushed her hand through my hair. Neither I was awake nor I was sleeping, but like a fossil that moment is forever engraved in my memory. I can’t really explain what I was going through then, but it felt as if slow electricity was passing through my body. In that moment, I knew with clarity what it feels like to be the Kohinoor diamond.

The moments of impact….The moments of impact tells us what we really feel about a person. We can’t change a person but what we can is to accept them as they are. If I sit down to remember my mother’s harsh scathing accusations then it will take me forever to forgive her. Every time the thought of hatred passes through my mind, I remember that moment and everything else becomes blurred. In that one moment, I saw her love for me and nothing else is bigger than that.

Life is not about holding grudges, but it is about forgiving. Just because a person does not do things the way we want them to be, we start hating them. In moments when you start doubting a persons’ devotion or love for you, remember the moments of impact, when that same person treated you as the precious Kohinoor diamond.

Your heart will know the answers!

Burnt...in love!

The pain is still there, a steady reminder of him, once in my life. Day before yesterday, I cried, till there were no more tears left. A part of me wants to go back, relive those happy days, whereas the other part wants to move on.

I called my friend, I knew he will understand. I wanted someone to be there, someone who will read through my silence. He told me I am confused, that I should go back. I gave a teary laugh and informed I am over with it, but my heart beat a different tune.

The images, like a ghost, never stop haunting, the endless hours on the phone, the lazy walks down our favourite road, the incessant plans for us, for our future. It was never enough, the more we talked, the hungrier we got.

Suddenly, one fine morning, the reverie was broken. I felt lost, alone with no one to talk to, no one to share my pain with. Who will understand what I felt for him? It’s all there in my heart, locked, in some quiet place.

The World needs more Love Letters!

It’s easy to proclaim declarations: “I hate you” “Life is cruel” “How can life be so cruel?” “Why am I the unfortunate one?”

It’s easy to give all the above dramatic declarations but hard to take time and contemplate on them. Think for some time! When life gives us the best of things, we never for once think, Life is Cruel! During those happy moments, Life becomes our best buddy! But, the next day, if something bad happens, we curse Life. 

Whereas we know that failures and triumphs are the two sides of the same coin.

All the above  hurtful declarations, the anger, the wrath, which we feel, because of a stupid fight, an unexpected failure, all boils down to our Ego, the destroyer, the taker, the arrogant fool.

There are two sides to our personality, one side ruled by our conscience and the other ruled by our ego. Whenever, there is a fight or a failure, the Ego always feels defeated and craves vengeance. During a misfortune, it’s not we who get hurt but our Ego, the sadistic dog, which then propels us to do silly histrionics. The wars that are raging all over the world, the fight for a piece of land, for power, for money, it’s all because of our ego. Because he has taken my land, I have to get it back, by all means. Oh my god, he scored more than me, I have to defeat him in the next test. You hit me, man! I am going to hit you too! Recognize this! Well! These stupid ramblings are Ego talking.

All that world craves now is money and power: One country fights another for a piece of land, a son leaves his parents in an old age home to live his own dream, the abnormal increase in the number of divorce cases, the unnecessary estrangements. These are all indications, signs of the unfulfilled life we all are living, a life devoid of love, friendship and warmth. When once the companionship of a friend was important, now Ego has taken preference.

There are so many existing problems in this world. Do we really want to add some more? I know forgiving is one of the hardest things but it’s also one of the easiest thing. It’s all about the courage, it’s all about the love that we had for those people who broke our heart. The truth is we still love them. The hatred that we feel is the living evidence.

We all have love in our heart, then why aren’t we making an effort to show that. Why do we always have to fight, to struggle for things that are there today but may not be there tomorrow? We hardly pay attention to the things that we have, the beautiful relationships, nature, we as an individual. It’s time to love, to build and to make time for the things that matters. Some things will remain with us forever, the love we have for each other, the lasting relationship we have been gifted. These things were our past, these things are our present, these things will be our future.

It’s very easy to hate, to feel anger. I had my share of experience. But it takes courage, real courage to forgive and to move on. And I think it’s worth fighting! Otherwise, it will be an insult to all those wonderful memories we had with those people.

Loving the Wrong Guy

Adolescence, in my life, came with the tingling feeling of love and excitement.

I was a teenager when I learned that love requires a lot of sacrifices and endurance. The first thing that I felt in love was jealousy, the feeling that almost burns the heart. But Indian philosophies helped me overcome it. I taught myself to be open-minded and calm.

But love one sided, no matter how much one fought to make it work, always hurt. Where I have given every corner of my heart to him, he did just the opposite. Where I was totally into it, for him it was a fling.

Though somewhere deep down I knew the harsh truth, I over looked it.

I was naive enough to believe that my love can change him; I was stupid enough to think that I could leave the whole world for him.

However, life had something else planned for me. Some people are wise enough to see the truth but my love left me blind. When I needed him the most, he left me ruthlessly, proving my deep down fears right.

I sometimes wonder “If God gives me a chance to change the course of my life....Will I erase his memory from my heart?”

“No! Even though he is not in my life, I had the most beautiful memories with him, being with him has taught me to be strong, to endure and to love freely without expecting anything in return.”

Love comes with a demand...!

Presently, Kolkata is vibrating with the thrill of the upcoming Durga Puja. The fragrance of the ever-lasting Shiuli phool permeates through the whole of Kolkata. Shops are full of new clothes and shoppers can’t wait to update their wardrobe.

I, sitting in my room, am lost in my loneliness. It has become like a fire that has spread through all cells of my body, almost ready to engulf me totally.  

Few years back, by this time, my hands were full of shopping bags and my organiser was filled with “To do during the puja” list.

But that was me in past; me in a different time.

I have changed. The realities of life have changed me. The beauty of the city of joy, Kolkata, has died in front of my eyes; though the reason is unknown to me. When all the pretences, like addas, Paro Ninda Paro Charcha (P.N.P.C.), phuchkka treat, Durga Puja, of Kolkata are removed, I see a city which is hugging tightly the trends set by the forefathers of the bygone age; a city which has become stagnant; a city not ready to welcome a change.

Yesterday, I tried I really tried to talk to my mother, thinking of making her see the world from my eyes.

Alas! I have yet again been proved wrong. After all, there is no point in talking to a stone, Right?

My mother told me “I am doing everything that you wanted! I am giving you the things that you desire! Can’t you do this little thing for me?”

She has been doing this since forever; whenever, I thought of doing something differently, she stopped talking to me. I should have been indifferent but sadly, I was affected. Her words, like a thorn, pierced my heart. She made me realize that love comes with a price.
This illumination shattered my illusions and made me realize that nothing comes free.

I told myself “I am fine! I don’t need her!”

But my weak heart failed me; its only weakness being that it loves her too much, much more than she can ever imagine.